La Baguette

by La Baguette

• In an attempt to break St. Brelades trophy drought, next years ‘battle’ float is to have a nautical theme, and will feature a real topless mermaid - her ‘assets’ suitably shrouded by long, blond locks, of course.

However Health and Safety have stepped in to advise that, as a mermaid is half human and half fish, the human portion must wear rubber gloves at all times and hair must be neatly tucked up and secured under a white hat; whilst the fish portion must be kept refrigerated and clearly display a sell by date!

• A car had careered into, and demolished a granite wall in St. Brelade. Two Police officers attended the scene.

They listened to the drivers account of what had happened and took notes. The notes in one book read:-

Attend incident 22.50hrs No injuries. Car severely damaged. Wall demolished. Driver claimed to have swerved to avoid a pedestrian. Driver admitted to have consumed full bottle of vodka, 8 lagers and 4 double whiskies. Informed driver being arrested

Upon caution driver replied (recorded here as heard):
“Arreshting me? I jush shaved shum-one’s life!” Time of arresh.....